“Being Superior to your former self…”

Ernest Hemmingway once wrote,” There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self”. These are words that have been unspoken within me from a very long time even as I develop memory, or it was maybe just the way I was raised. Betterment, Academics and finding peace in duress has been taught by my struggling parents ever since. Consequently, one tends to understand why such an immense responsibility has been put forth at an early age. But it mostly is an attempt to overcome said struggles by not passing it on to your kin. I have been fortunate in this manner.

The ego is the way man reflects on his sense of entitlement and it has been a journey to shed that ego that builds mostly around young women and men. A strength that I have found myself to be proud of is to be flexible and adaptable to the changing circumstances. I hear people speaking on occasion and speaking casually. Sometimes I hear the remark, “I have OCD…” as an expression to defend a situation or as an excuse for the person around you to accept that situation. People think they have OCD, it’s weirdly common these days. I had been diagnosed with a certain excessive one at a young age even medicated on clomipramine. There are certain aspects about me that needed healing and flexibility and adaptability was certainly not one of them. But times have made me different. On the shoot days of our production,’ Shams’. There were many requirements that made me feel like I didn’t belong as a filmmaker. I have always wanted to enhance the translation between the images in my head and bringing it to reality and I had failed in doing so on this shoot and was replaced as an assistant director. I thought to myself over and over about my inabilities and my weaknesses. But I certainly paid no heed to their effects and was driven more than ever to learn through my inadequacies and I became as flexible a member of the crew than I had been in my entire life. I was the man who did all the packing and unpacking. I listened to every request put forth by my colleagues to give my best efforts as not a crew member but as a man who dreams to someday be able to bring to life what he holds so deep in his mind and in his heart to the screen. Having come a long way in accepting this adaptability is more of a personal feat that only I can experience and comprehend. In retrospect, there is nothing that I would do in refusal of the story in production.

There have been times I may have not been able to convey my ideas fresh and baked well out of mind for only I know how it might seem. I have seen many people in admiration for the way they communicate with their peers and colleagues. I mean to talk about my professor, and I asked her once,” How is it that she is so good at communicating with others? “. And she said it’s not always the case. Everyone finds barriers to communicating. Although being an expressive medium such as film, having to communicate your ideas to bring about expression in a contemporary practice sometimes. But having to look past our own inefficiencies and having an attitude to learn from, will always keep you young and will help past certain weaknesses and thereby helping you communicate better. I did this throughout production trying my best to convey but I could be better at it. Being more outspoken makes one feel bold impress upon the other the boldness required to perform enormous tasks. I remain silent throughout my life but I wish to better myself every day in this regard and I found the production to be a challenging venue in this regard. But I shall keep trying.